Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Fire Starter: A Love Story

If you are in love right now...stop reading and get back to it, it's gonna get cold and dry.

I am a grown ass man and so no longer have fantasies about love or finding the perfect mate and living happily ever after, those days are dead to me.

It has been my experience that whenever I meet someone I am remotely interested in and would even consider starting a relationship with that might lead to what you people know as 'love', the spark only ignites the fires of hell. People are simply too needy for my tastes.

Why do I have to call you every fifteen minutes? Why do I need to say it all day long? Why do we have to cuddle after sex? Why do you want to borrow the keys to my car? Why do you need $500 to bail your ex out of jail?

Many upon a time, I had love. It was always warm and always made me very happy. We could spend days and nights together and never have a fight or even a disagreement. We could talk about science and art and politics and all the things grown-ups talk about.
Then the needs start popping up. "I need you to say never say it."
What the fuck do I need to say it for? Don't you FEEL it? "Yes but it's nice to hear sometimes."
Okay, I love you.
"That was nice but it didn't sound like you meant it." And therein lies the rub. At that point, I will light them afire if they're not already packing their shit and aiming it at the door.

You will say I have no patience and you will be right but they made me old and now I have no time. My needs are simple.

Here's what I want:
1. have a career (or atleast a job)
2. say what you mean, always
3. leave the baggage at your mother's house
4. no stories about the ex(s)
5. never bring Jesus to bed with us
6. take it like a man goddammit (that goes for the women too by god)
7. be self-confident enough to know when you are being loved


Blogger sKincarver said...

Loved it. The rules are ones to live by.
Especially Jesus.
His feet are like ice and he snores like a mountain gorilla.

6:20 AM  
Blogger Robbb said...

and all he wants to do is talk about daddy...kills the mood every time.

9:56 PM  
Blogger Mob said...

I'm going to hell for even knowing you people.

11:24 PM  
Blogger sKincarver said...

That and the drunk thing with the goats and the candy cane...

9:13 AM  
Blogger daveyyojimbo said...

robb, you're such a rank sentimentalist. i knew it.

6:45 PM  
Blogger Robbb said...

mob, there are worse places you could be.

skin, what the hell?

davey, my words are not evidence of sincerity sir. smoke and mirrors all.

11:15 PM  
Blogger Dale said...

Great rules, hilarious comments. Can I at least sit near you guys in hell for the laughs?

4:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading a cool book "No Fear No Death" and it really helped me leave my last experience in the past, although I did lose the opprotunity to cash in on a couple if cool poems. I think your are a pure genuis.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rob I hear your brother, those mother fuckers need to understand that life is to short to bring unwanted shit into a relationship. Send them back to their mothers to be tucked in bed.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Robbb said...

further intrigued.

10:40 PM  

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